Family Roles- The Super Enabler

So now we progress to the roles children typically play in an addicted, dysfunctional family. Again I want to say that in my experience, these roles can sometimes flip-flop. They can be somewhat fluid, depending on who is around and what is happening. But each child tends to find one role to play- or picks one identity, so to speak- and for the most part he or she will play that role.

One of the 5 primary roles is called that of the 'super enabler.' The super enabler tends to be very close to the addict emotionally, and does a lot of protecting of him or her, and pretends everything is perfect. It is the role of the rose colored glasses, and this child usually mops up the messes, such as doing chores that are undone and clearing up the wreckage of family upsets. This child usually has a low self esteem and a lot of unexpressed and suppressed anger, and typically grows up into a martyr/ victim type person.

This was the role I most often played in my family. We grew up in what I would have to call an unclean house. In my family I was the one who spent my teen years cleaning the house. I did this with some regularity for a person who was never taught how to do so. I did it every 3 months or so, from about 12 midnight to 6am in the morning. True to the role, I became an adult who was a victim, a martyr, and cleaned up the messes from my alcoholic marriage.

Also true to the role, I defended my mother and sisters viciously. No-one could say a word about them that was not positive. And once I even severed a friendship with my closest friend because she had criticized my sister. I did not speak to her again until 25 years later.

Also true to the role, I told everyone that we had the perfect home life, and forced myself to believe my own words. I bonded emotionally with my mother, and felt her pain like it was my own. If she was in her room crying- I felt the intense pain and guilt. I can still remember when my sister was caught smoking and my mother retreated to her room. She went in crying, and stayed that way for three days- except for the occasional trip to the bathroom to throw up from her migraine. I also stayed in my own room alone and listened. I felt the shame, and her pain, as if it were my own, and did not let it go even well into adult-hood.

I am not sure what had my mother's reaction be so extreme. Possibly it triggered something in her own past- she too was a product of her own childhood and life. Possibly she was on one of her crash starvation diets and prone to be arratic. Possibly she had some sort of depression going on. (See May 10 Entry) http://secondhandaddiction.blogspot.com/2008/05/childhood-set-up-elephant-in-living.html (See my blog on Food Addiction) www.fightingfoodcravings.blogspot.com

But as a budding teen-ager, whatever was her problem, soon became mine. And my entire home-life revolved around how I could make her happy.

And that is the role of 'super-enabler.'

Stay tuned as we look at some other roles. And look to your own lives to see if these same roles appear. If so, it could indicate some past, present, or future addiction. Or it may suggest that there is some family dysfunction to be aware of. But remember, if so, you can't shift this type of thing alone. An addiction's therapist, Alanon, or Coda is a good first step to shift the future for your entire family and generations to come.