Loving Yourself- Warts and All

So we have taken a really in-depth look at the childhood-set up for addiction or second hand addiction- including family roles. Today I want to talk a bit about being perfect.

The ferocious need to be perfect is a very common trait in addicted or traumatized families. This makes perfect sense, when you think of it. With extreme rules, and extreme consequences one would really feel the need to be perfect to avoid trouble or punishment.

Of course this is impossible, so people in addicted families tend to lie or otherwise pretend they have no faults. There is often a fierce denial, complete with lots of defending, and justification. In fact many addicted families can make a life-style out of blaming, accusing, defending and justifying their actions in one endless argument- all because no-one can allow themselves to be 'wrong.'

I can remember listening to my parents in an argument over whether a certain body of water was a river or a lake. We were on a long drive for pleasure in the country. But no-one could be wrong. So our pleasant drive became an argument that lasted an hour and a half and ended with stony silence for the rest of the ride. I kept my head out the window for the most part and allowed the wind in my face to carry me away.

For me personally I carried an inability to be with my faults (or shadow side) for much of my adult life. A misstep that I absolutely couldn't avoid seeing or admitting could send me into a depression. It was not until I joined Alanon- the 12 step program for people who love alcoholics, that I began to be able to admit some of my faults.

I recently came to a place of freedom with this. I was in a growth and development course with Landmark Education and I discovered a blind-spot. I discovered...

"I'm an irresponsible, arrogant, know-it-all, show-off, make-wrong narcissist." (Don't forget self-righteous)

This makes perfect sense. Most addicted/traumatized families produce self-absorbed egomaniacs with inferiority complexes. So if any of that stuff creeps into my blogs, you'll understand why.

Of course you therapists will coach me to tone that down a bit. You will want me to say "sometimes I can be arrogant" "At times I am self-righteous." etc. etc. You'll remind me of my finer points, which I am seeing are also pretty good.

But I don't want to tone my words down. I spent a life-time of trying to be perfect, and pretending I was. Now I want to shout this from the rooftops. I can finally love all of me, warts and all, as the therapists say. And this is a huge victory for an addict (food) and second hand addict like me. And of course seeing my lesser points and embracing them, allows me to choose another way. I can't change what I don't see. And I can't change what I hate about myself- because the mere act of hating and whipping myself takes up all of my energy.

So love your glories, and love your unglories. That's what my dad, who recently passed away, would say if he were alive.

And of course it is easier said than done. So if you truly want to accomplish this Herculean task, then take a course called The Landmark Forum. Then come back and tell me what you thought of it. You can even invite me to your graduation if you like.

The rest of you, don't forget to leave a comment. I want to hear from all of you.