The Steps To Sanity- CODA

Today I am going to talk about Codependents Anonymous (or CODA) and how you can shift your life by attending it. As usual, I will use examples from my life and work to illustrate.

CODA is a 12-step program similar to Alanon and AA. The 12-steps, in case you have never encountered them, are a powerful formula for living an addiction-free life of sanity. They outline a process for accepting the things you cannot change, changing the things you can, and knowing the difference- using a higher power as the basis for all of the steps.

The primary difference between Alanon and CODA is that CODA takes the strong stance that we are powerless over other people and that we in fact need a higher power and a group process to have relationships in our life that are healthy. Now in either group, you will not be given advice. You will listen to others share, and share yourself, and find your own inner strength.

But in CODA there is a strong emphasis on finding out who YOU are, and in seeing the ways in which you attract to yourself relationships that are unhealthy. And there is a tendency to begin to step away from such relationships and step into healthier ones. In Alanon, on the other hand, there is a tendency to pursue every avenue of self-examination, shifting yourself and seeing how others shift around you. In Alanon you do not necessarily step away- but rather explore being a different person in the situation, and seeing how it changes.

Of course both things can happen in both programs. There is just a slight inclination, in my opinion, one way or the other.

When I came to CODA I really had very little knowledge of who I was. I had been in Alanon and made great shifts about the way I reacted- or did not react- to my husband, but I also felt I was the one doing all of the work. I still had a lingering doubt that I was the 'wrong' one- the one who was somehow failing-and if I could only do it right, all would be well.

In CODA I realized beyond a shadow of a doubt that it takes two people to tango. I could not be the one doing all the dance steps and expect to create a waltz. I began to see that maybe, just maybe, I did not want to be the only one dancing anymore.

Now if we move forward to the job I had in the 'somewhat less than functional' restaurant, here's what CODA versus Alanon could do for me.

In Alanon I might stay on, shifting myself and my ways of being, the way I saw my boss, his rules, his quirks, etc. And I might have great strides in the matter of being able to stay in the job and stay sane. In CODA I might look around and say "What in me keeps attracting this level of unhealth in jobs?" I would explore that for a while. With my new found sense of self, I might say "I deserve more." And begin to look for a new job, or make a stand in this one for better treatment. All the while I would be looking to see "How can I shift so that I do not walk right into the same thing again?"

The primary focus in CODA would be on choosing healthy relationships in the first place, with a secondary focus on creating health in existing relationships.

If you are new to this blog, you should read some of my earlier entries such as "Do I love an addict? " part 1 and part 2, and "When I first learned I loved an addict"- as well as many of the other entries that you can pick and choose.